You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He did a backflip because drugs
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
