I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How does it feel to date your dad?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
