they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
