when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
