the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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