I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
