my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
