JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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