You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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