Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
