Don't make out with my wife yet
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
