I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
