My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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