I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
