Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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