I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
