In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
