so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
