I think im going to throw up on grandma
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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