I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
