burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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