I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He better not be in your backpack
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
