Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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