These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
