Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
