i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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