My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
