I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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