remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
