He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
