her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
honey bunches of taint.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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