i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My vagina just recognized that song.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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