I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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