Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
