can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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