Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's no shave November. This is our time.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
