Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
