i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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