"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
