Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
