see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
