That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Randomize
