I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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