He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
