Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
