So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
