I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
