and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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