He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
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You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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