Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
ttyl tear gas
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
