i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
