Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The beer is more important than you right now.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
