I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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