did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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